Friday, January 08, 2010 Some background. Lately the bf & I have been at odds. Marking the one year anniversary of our first Christmas and it's explosion. I feared the Christmas season this year and perhaps as a result I created a self fulfilling prophecy. Harsh statements were made by both: "You are a worthless piece of shit", "I regret ever even meeting you" & "Another Christmas ruined by you". Two of those statement came from my lips and even in the heat of the moment one had "that I scrape off the bottom of my shoes" edited out, still I regretted my choice of words. In fact, my sincere apology was thrown back at me as "you said it you believe it" which angered me further. There is no one person to blame, nor is there one incident to point at. I am accepting my responsibility and learning more about myself. Sometimes I feel I give up everything to him and expect the same in return. This is unfair of me, just because I see no sacrifice does not mean it is not happening furthermore why should I expect sacrifice. I do feel sometimes we have a very give and take relationship in that I give and he takes but perhaps that is because sometimes when he gives I'm too blind to take. So, as per usual the mating ritual begins with no fore warning, no chance to prepare and then precious time that could be used copulating is wasted on what we might call 'the details'. The boy is obsessed with cum. We seek out online companions, separately, which sometimes leads me to feelings of insecurity. Example: a chap we played with in the fall that I fell asleep during play with. When I woke up & realized how long I had been asleep without play stopping in the bed next to me, I wordlessly got dressed to leave. BF got dressed as well & at the time I felt very pleased at that. The third literally whined "What about me" and I lost any attraction I had had for him. However, in the lobby of the building bf then whined "Would it have been so bad if I stayed?" which began a huge argument because I was prepared to leave alone, I was disoriented having just woken up and just wanted out of there. If it had played out differently I might have said "By all means stay", I have before but when it comes out after the fact what can you do. Later that evening there was more online chatter between them that I was not involved in and was an expression of mutual interest between them. Fine. While cruising online this time the third contacted me. I immediately told him there was a third but that he wasn't with me at the moment (refer back to "details") and I would get back to him when the other half was present. At the time I didn't know if he remembered us or not. When bf returns I point out this option and from then on I am left out of the conversation they have. Trick doesn't show up at appointed time, I text to inquire and he responds "i'm coming was just looking for something i've just found". Okay. An hour later and I say he's not coming, it's then I'm told "he's coming downtown later and is going to call me". Right, when did that happen? BF says "I really wanted his load" to which I can barely understand, like I said I lost all of my attraction for him and it was merely to satisfy the cum lust that I entertained the idea of entertaining him, perhaps also a special little knack he has but that's another story. I end up snagging one after posting an ad on craigslist despite bf's assertion that that would be a waste of time. Pfft! He has also recently stated "music videos are an irrelevant medium" to which my only counter was "just because MTV doesn't play them". The guy shows up and I expect bf to launch right on to him but no instead he's off in the bathroom. I don't want to start anything with the guy to prevent any hard feelings. When we do get down to it we begin with some confusion. At the very same that I notice the distinct odor of body bf directs my attention to it, for a moment I think it's me and I change positions to discretely check myself and then bf makes clear to me it's this guy, I make the cut throat sign as a question mark but am left wondering. It's then I notice the smell of alcohol, the rancid smell that years of drinking brings with it, which begins a concern of passing out for me. The ad posted was for a pump and dump & so I hoped it would be over quickly which was only enhanced when the third smell assaulted me. While behind the guy, trying to be an observer rather then participant, he farted. That was enough for me and I went into another room to smoke. It cooled long enough for him to ask a cigarette of me and as far as I was concerned it was over. There was a bit more play after the smokes and then a wave of release when he announced he should be going. Perhaps I should have phrased this differently as 'all background' as I'm going to take a pause for the evening before I get to the 'good sex'. 11:51 PM (0) comments

Thursday, January 07, 2010 The very difficult path I have chosen in life. Due to circumstances beyond my control my first post of the Twenty-Ten has permanently been lost. Have no fear, I can give you the jist, which was that this year I chose to make a resolution. Sex. My resolution was to have sex again, as well, I have always joked that I would do porn when I turned 40 and as this is the year I make my 39th trip around the sun I have to buckle down to meet my deadline for my 15 minutes (and I hope it will be 15 minutes, no need to fast forward through plot or such). Anyway, mission accomplished. I had good sex, with my boyfriend no less. Great sex even and you can ask 15 or so onlookers (via webcam) 5:10 PM (0) comments

Sunday, January 03, 2010 Honesty. I went to sleep last night with the assistance of TEC. Today, I used Hollywood as an excuse to not partake in the reality of my situation. Which seems quite bleak at the moment. Whoever says "I would miss the seasons" for wintering permanently in a warmer clime does not know the biting of cold of being unable to turn on the heat because your not sure how your going to pay the bill. All is not loss, it seems a wanton nicotine addiction can still be supplied. However, I priced non-latex condoms yesterday and I have to stand by my original offer of floating down memory lane as long as he supplies the protection. Unfortunately, I feel I'm not quite the man I once was and now to tack on this pesky virus. Sex is perhaps a minefield. 10:14 PM (0) comments

Honesty. I went to sleep last night with the assistance of TEC. Today, I used Hollywood as an excuse to not partake in the reality of my situation. Which seems quite bleak at the moment. Whoever says "I would miss the seasons" for wintering permanently in a warmer clime does not know the biting of cold of being unable to turn on the heat because your not sure how your going to pay the bill. All is not loss, it seems a wanton nicotine addiction can still be supplied. However, I priced non-latex condoms yesterday and I have to stand by my original offer of floating down memory lane as long as he supplies the protection. Unfortunately, I feel I'm not quite the man I once was and now to tack on this pesky virus. Sex is perhaps a minefield. 10:05 PM (0) comments

Saturday, January 02, 2010 A new year's resolution! I've never been one for resolutions but this year, this decade, this time I believe it is in order. I resolve to rediscover sex. Furthermore, as this year is my 39th trip around the sun I also resolve to prepare myself for what I've always joked about: porn at 40. There you have it, 2 resolutions: sex & the filming of the sex. A tall order perhaps, at least the sex bit could/should be easy. Perhaps I'll even get some tomorrow. Right now exhaustion is taking over me, I will fill in some blanks soon enough but for the time being I will rest content knowing I have purpose. 11:45 PM (0) comments

Monday, August 03, 2009 Everything is crumbling around me. Wait, let me rephrase that: Everything has crumbled around me. This dysfunctional relationship I am in has reached another low point. Unfortunately our lives have become entangled in a mess of destruction. On what was the eve of our one year anniversary of living together Blue disappeared. In confusion and fear I lashed out throwing out his friend who had just come to stay with us because he had been left homeless by a boyfriend who left the city. I barricaded myself, alone in the apartment, with a chair up against the door. Blue has been violent before and it seemed the only thing I could do to protect myself. It was also a double edged sword. Perhaps he would return and the fact that I blocked him out would be the catalyst for violence. Which is fair enough, wasn't I doing it just to show to him that I could block him out like he had chosen to block me out, tit for tat. The pleas from his friend did not go unheard by me and I relented allowing his return. I apologized profusely and he understood I was trying to protect myself. Communication between us was cleared up. My biggest fear in that regards was the issue of rent. Though we were sheltering him after his break up he was also to be assisting us because of my current unemployment making rent each month has been difficult. We had discussed rent being due on the 31st and not the 1st but apparently he had already told Blue rent money would not be available until the 14th. Allowing him to return also gave me some indication of what Blue had been doing. I had wrongly assumed he was partying with this friend. At one point I had even comforted myself thinking "he's gone to his mother's" where his sister that he hasn't seen for four years is staying with his almost 1 year old nephew. The friend cleared that up. Blue was in fact back with the needle crowd slamming meth and taking/giving loads. Yes, our relationship has been a threesome: him, me & Tina. I know that crowd and I knew the state of Blue's bank account which meant it could only last for so long. I also knew when they were done with him because he appeared online. That meant, in my mind, he had returned to the meth den he disappeared to last November or had found someone else to support his habit. After inspecting online cruising sites I came to the conclusion that he was with politician's assistant friend of his that I had met briefly twice before. I don't fully understand what goes on between them except that the meth runs freely, I think because Blue knows where to get it. When he did return this assumption was proven correct. I was asleep at 4 in the morning when he woke up. I can be a deep sleeper. He grabbed my foot from the end of the bed and said "wake up". I woke up but not completely, the second time he shook me by the shoulders and went back to standing at the end of the bed. 4:42 PM (0) comments

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 i never denied having a sexual addiction. it was never a problem. i have always been very lucky with being able to see and control my addictions. that's a slight lie. my addiction to nicotine has always been my one weakness. for the first time beyond reckoning i went almost 24 hours without supply yesterday. what i did for some supply was possibly worse then what crack whores go through but that's the nicotine blog. sex on the other hand i have been going without. once in may. once in april. it happened in march and february slightly more then that but still not daily. sex has always been the downfall in my relationships. i can have sex and not feel love, hell i don't even have to like them. however, love without sex is less appealing. love me love my high sex drive. i've been doing that love thing now for over a year. while being slowly weaned off that sex type thing. i feel it bubbling and boiling inside of me. former fuck buddy and i did the movie thing today. beforehand he was telling me about having a massage and being embarassed because he came while being massaged. not a rub and tug massage either. he'd said it been three weeks since he came (he rarely jerks off) and i could remember those times when we played together. cum everywhere, which i wouldn't be allowed to play with. "what are you doing with my babies" he'd ask me. he'd also be good for another go after that. thankfully the movie engaged me enough that i didn't think anymore of him until the film was over. then there was another unexpected distraction and then we only had 20 minutes until we both had to be somewhere else. i actually thought there was more time and suggested 'we' knew how to kill time. though i never would have gone through with actually doing the need. so much navigation. 10:57 PM (3) comments