Tuesday, October 28, 2003 so i go over to the friend's place mentioned yesterday. sort of caught unawares. i was questioning him about memory cards for my camera and mp3 player. i'm hoping to be able to buy the same card for both, seems like i will be too. we're chatting about it online and he's pointed me to a site with said cards. he then adds that he has one in his camera 'we should get together and see if it works for you'. turns out he's going for dinner in an hour but we can squeeze it in before that. i rush over. obviously not thinking. the minute i walk in the door he's on me. very aggresively. i'm of course in a rush to find out if the card works, thinking he's got to go. hell, i didn't even shower. he squeezes my balls and i cry out. it hurt. 'all you bottoms are whiny'. just moments before he was telling me how his boyfriend is 100% bottom and he misses the ass play. bah. sure, i love to get fucked. in fact, if i had my druthers i'd likely stick to just taking it up the ass and nothing else. nothing. however, i like to fuck too. i like sucking cock and sure i've had some good cock suckers go down on me. still, i don't consider myself a bottom. i think i've even been craving a little of the old in and out with him but yikes. talking to me about your wonderful boyfriend. calling me a whiny bottom. i made ben happy instead. :) 1:07 AM

Monday, October 27, 2003 i don't even want to put a date on how long it's been since i've gay sex. sex with another man. sure, ben & i are having sex but i'm not even glancing at my other dildoes when i pull ben out. i've named the other dildoes too, nick and carl but ben is the only one i think of as *a name*. he was my first. so sentimental am i. however, even ben is feeling a little neglected. last week sometime i was wondering about one of my regular fuck buddies who has not been so regular. it's been since the end of july since we played. at a point it was at least twice a week for us. then he got a boyfriend and it was only when he was really horny. like maybe 3 times during the 6 months while they were boyfriends. after they broke up we settled into once a week. it also settled into a routine. i would go to his place. cocktails. after the second drink he would stroll into his bedroom and wait for me to come in. when i walk in i take off my clothes. he takes off his and gets under the covers. i get under the covers. a little cock play, maybe a bit of oral sex and then i'm sitting down on him. then we move to a both upright position. then i end up on my back. i moan. he fucks for maybe 30 seconds and then makes likes it all hard work, pulls out of me and lays back on his back waiting for me to squat down on him again. don't get me wrong it's better then masturbation, but i use my right hand sometimes to jerk off too you know? well i haven't heard from him because he's had a boyfriend. which is what i always assume. it almost be on sketchy ground if he's contacting me. the first night it was just to chat and say he had boyfriend. so much fun, too much fun. booze, coke & k, ah yes, and anti-depressants as a new part of the mix. i could never get him to smoke weed. e ok. poppers you bet you. k he said hurt his nose. and i never buy coke to be able to offer it. he'd discovered he liked nose candies after all. i just assumed this was part of the package of the new boyfriend. last night i noticed him online and chatted him up. first he told me about him and his boyfriend picking up a guy at a bar with the biggest cock ever. his words. said big cock fucked his boyfriend at the same time as a dildo and he got it on video with his new digital camera. !!! send the file over i says but he's left the camera at boyfriends. do i want to come over for a drink? bah. 12:41 AM

Friday, October 24, 2003 i got a new digital camera this week. tastygood. my old one broke over a year ago with pictures of my brother's wedding on it. i'm under the impression if i find someone running windows 98 i'll be able to retrieve the last photos but i'm not holding my breath. i got my first digital camera right around the time i got my first home computer. it was a heady time. high-speed internet access at home and a camera to take photos with too! one of my kinks used to be taking photos of a guy's cock after we did the nasty. usually at the bathhouse. it was one of those things they were either cool with or it got them out of the room faster. that guy last week i mentioned who couldn't stay hard the first time we tried, he was one of my cock shots. i can only think of one time where pic taking was incorporated into the sex play. i could go for more of that. :) yesterday i took the camera to work. on a lark i asked one of the dancers i'm friendly with if i could take a picture of his cock. he said 'no let me get it hard first'. joy, i thought. then it turns out almost everyone was game with it. then my *bitch* came up and asked what was going on. i had to tell him. he wanted me to take a picture of his too. i did. then he was like 'what's if for' and i thought about it and the charm had warn off. it used to be about guys i had sex with. asking a stripper just seems so easy after all. though i'm surprised only one person wanted money for it! 6:17 PM

Wednesday, October 22, 2003 i decide to cruise online today. some of the guys have very hot pictures of themselves up. it gets very easy for me to go from cruising on line to masturbating online. it's all very natural. ;) mind you, it can lead to me making some mistakes in judgement. all of a sudden a picture of a very nice cock and i'm sending off a message. then i'm into a conversation with owner of nice cock. i get blinded by the cock and think who cares about the rest of them. it never seems to fail though, these guys with the hot cocks tend to have some sort of catch. today's wanted bareback. i never even got to see if he was homely as all get out because he was so adamant about not wearing a condom. mention it in your ad if that's the way you feel. i end up jerking off to online porn. ummm tasty. just as i cum messenger tells me i have new email. a looker from online. looking for right now. unfortunately, sex is the last thing on my mind at that moment. another online failure. yet, a potential partner at another time. deep. 5:51 PM

Monday, October 20, 2003 now only 22 days until hawaii. it fills my head constantly. oh spam musubi! the first time i was in hawaii i'd see this spam musubi in the stores and think 'gross'. it made me think of hot dogs sitting around apoo's store that only homer is going to eat. so on my last night there i tried one. honestly, i don't know what came over me and yet i loved it. the next year i had to insist that my travelling companion try them. he ended up going back and buying a dozen of them and stocking the fridge. i didn't want to see another one after that. i'm warming up to the idea of some from fresh spam musubi now though. ;) something is going on here, all i can think about right now is food. and junk food to boot. at the beach there's a stand that sells shaved ice and such. i'm not one for the shaved ice, sure i'll have it but i find it sickly sweet. however, they also do up a breakfasty thing, sausage, eggs and rice. tasty. usually i just wake up in the morning and head down to the beach for glorious tanning time so this is like my breakfast. here it is my day off and i'm thinking about food in hawaii. not even poi, which i've never tried. shouldn't i be beating off and getting ready to go out and service the community. do i have a fever? 8:47 AM

Sunday, October 19, 2003 so i've just had a rotten weekend at work. bah. thursday a customer calls and asks for the waiter, i can't get a hold of him so i ask if he'd like to leave a message. no. this is part of my job as dj. he calls back and has decided he will leave a message. 'could you tell waiter i left my poppers in one of the rooms and ask him to get them for me' i laugh. assure him i'll relay the message. waiter comes to booth, i say look this customer called blah blah blah, go get the poppers give them to me and tell this guy they were gone. ok. bam i've got a bottle of poppers. seems simple. later, i go to give them back to waiter but he says keep them. fine. fast forward to the next day. waiter comes up to me and says he needs the poppers now the customer is here. !!! well i've left them at home. he had said nothing to me about bringing them back. i say 'tell him someone took them from the dj booth' as he's already told him they were here. simple, my guess is as simple as saying they weren't in the room when he went up. waiter comes back and tells me i have to bring them in next week for him! next week, customer wants me to bring back open poppers. ya okay. now the customer comes up to the booth. angry as hell. i'm figuring him at 60, well dressed, bit of an accent telling me how much he trusts waiter and i'm nothing to him. how does he know i'll bring back his poppers. i'm thinking look asshole you left behind a bottle of poppers move on. but no. he wants a fresh bottle of poppers replaced. fine. he leaves. ah but comes back and wants the cash instead. i end up paying $30 for a bottle of opened poppers. fack. i've been nasty all weekend cause i couldn't let that go. mind you, dancers have been pricks all weekend too. 23 days until waikiki, i think i'll open a coconut stand and live on the beach. 9:13 AM

Friday, October 17, 2003 moral dilemma. like i've mentioned i'm back in the green and now i've got this bottle of ethyl. i really don't need or even want it in the house. sure, i bought. yes, ok, it can be fun. i think i was just lucky with it this time. using it very cautiously. i've had some freaky incidents with it. one of the worse ones was where i was doing it with this guy fucking me in a bathhouse. fortunately for me he was someone i had played with before. we were both doing it, he's going at my ass. the next thing i know i'm holding him from behind and sobbing on him. what the hell? of course, he left the room, i would too but who knows what could have happened. there's a dancer at work whose been telling me how much he's enjoying poppers. you know just discovering them and all. i like this dancer. i think 'hey give them to him' and fill him in all sorts of disclaimmers. 'don't do it here first' being number one. then i think to myself said dancer is on a self-destruct route. or at least it seems it to me, perhaps i don't need to help him on his journey. i've got two other friends who use ethyl, one who introduced me to it and another i introduced to it. friend one says he's heard voices on it and wounded up like me in precarious situations...blacking out i mean. geez, i've thought the porn was talking directly to me using it. friend two likes it and dosen't get hallucinations. perhaps i'll ask dancer some discrete questions regarding it and then decide whether to just throw it out or give it to him. 2:17 PM

fortunately i am back in the green. walking back home a white cat deliberately walked in my path and i though well does this mean i get lucky? only minutes from home though and i did not get *lucky* in that sense. still, it was a white cat, it was my path... 1:54 AM

Thursday, October 16, 2003 i'm out of pot. no pot makes duncan a sad boy. i think that's why i picked up the ethyl even though i said no more to it. got to have more then one substance at a time or something. i have been taking it easy with it though, awareness. i rented some Colton Ford DVDs. he seems so perfect i wonder to myself what his flaw must be. perhaps he's not a nice guy i think. at moments i want to stop looking at him because i'm turned off at how beautiful he is. perhaps it's that i know it will only ever be just looking at him. then again i think, he'll probably want to go antiquing or something be happy just watching. i watch too much porn. and i think too much without pot. 12:28 PM

Wednesday, October 15, 2003 went to the *leather* bathhouse last night. it's sorta out of the core and in the heart of a straight land. they had a shave night last night. complimentary shaving to boot. i however had cleaned up before i left. staff was trying to get me to do it, i guess they needed someone to go first. i balked. shoulda had my ass done. i can give a hundred reasons why i don't shave my ass but the truth is i find it to be a hassle doing it myself. a guy i've had good sex with a number of times was there. he's put on some weight and not necessarily attractively. hell, i've put on 10 lbs. (crash diet before waikiki beach?). he came in the room, sucked him till he was hard, he rimmed a little. tentatively as it were. couldn't maintain his erection with the condom. kept saying he wanted to fuck my 'pretty little ass'. and yes i want you to. he mumbled a whole lot of stuff but all i understood was he would come back in 10 minutes. i went and showered. i love the showers there. you can adjust to so many different settings just my turning this fancy metal shower heads. one of the settings feels like rain drops falling on you. twist it a little further and it's practically misting you. hot mist. better then hot piss! i always feel like such a sissy cause without fail i turn the shower on and it's this hard setting, which i always set it back to. i just love the raindrops though. i'm always hanging out in the shower. back to my room and there's a guy across the hall now. on his knees in his room waiting for someone to come in. yikes. however then he starts walking the hall nekkid with his cock flopping around. looks nice. he comes to my door and asks if i want company. i figure a little head won't hurt. turns out he wants to rim me hardcore. starts sniffing on his poppers but dosen't offer me any. rude. then again he's right down there in my ass, do want you want just keeping licking. of course, the requisite 'i'm going to shove my uncovered dick in your ass cause i've lubed it up with my tongue' business starts. points for trying. i am sufficiently lubed and horny at this point so i grab the condom myself and wrap him up. he was a fuck machine. bam bam bam. had to stop playing with myself or spill my nuts out right then and there. by this time he had found my poppers and away we went. i also had ethyl with me. i know i know, i promised i would never do it again. i figured he was into the poppers and so the ethyl would or could be a safe bet. didn't get a chance to find out as he popped his load. so i played with myself and the ethyl for a bit. showered. first guy was ready to come back and fuck me. he was tasty hard now. it's been awhile since i've played with him but i remembered him as a good hard fuck and he did not disappoint. for some reason i thought he didn't like poppers but i was wrong. wasn't going to risk the ethyl though. he was sorta doing girly sniffs of the poppers. he keeps stopping and asking him if i'm ok. ya i'm ok and if i'm not you won't be inside of me, now throw it into me sir. i came and he wanted to stop. i took another hit of poppers and said keep going. there's a rarity. usually i come and i'm done. for at least 30 minutes. after i came though he didn't really seem to be in it. c'mon man, i want to take the brunt of your frustrations in my ass. alas. i did return home satiated though. mind you i'm getting hard thinking about this again now. who knows what devil i'll rip apart today. 9:44 AM

Monday, October 13, 2003 right, so i made a dancer at work my *bitch* today. yesterday he missed one of the songs for his stage show. it was his first day (me and new dancers i know) and i was cutting him some slack all day. i kindly sent another dancer out to tell him he was next on stage. i'd seen him talking with a customer and knew he had no clue. i call him to the stage as is my job. he dosen't budge. one minute into the song i call him again. still nothing. two minutes into the song i call him to the stage again and start thinking in my head 'well fine him and see if that learns him'. a different dancer is in the booth and he says to me i'll go out and tell him. all of a sudden he appears in the booth and says he need his chapstick! "NO", i say "YOUR ON STAGE". He looks at me dejected and leaves. so, he walks toward the stage but stops and starts talking with a different table. i annouce one more time for him to be on stage. song ends second song starts. by now veterans have come to the booth to check out the scuttlebutt. when i turn off the mic i overhear one of them say 'duncan is pissed'. i walk over to said dancer, tap him on his shoulder, he turns to me, smiling, not realizing that it was me whereupon i said 'you missed your first song that's a $25 dollar fine' and walk away before he can even begin his protest. my shift ends shortly thereafter and i don't have to see him again. until today. the first thing out of his mouth was that 'he didn't appreciate when i was rude to him in front of customers yesterday'. ;) i don't even remember what i said. it all came out in a torrent. i could literally watch him shrinking. when i took a breath he begin apologizing and saying he would do anything to make it up to me. i told him he was my bitch from here on out. he took this as sexual and said he would do anything to please me. i told him he was doing the first show, get ready. he told me what songs he wanted to dance too and i said i'd think about it. i played one of them. he came into the booth and was joking about being my bitch to the waiter. saying i had a smile on my face. the actor appearing in the role of waiter today said he didn't see a smile on duncan's face and walked away. i was nasty the rest of the day...within reason of course. i mean you treat a bitch with a bit of respect don't you? 1:23 AM

Saturday, October 11, 2003 i came home from work and beat off right away some of the dancers had me so excited. came across these tasty two who like they love doing it for the camera. uh huh 11:05 PM

the countdown begins. 30 days until i leave for waikiki. making wicky wacky down in waikiki. the first time i went was back in september of 2000. 9 days. although i loved hawaii i found the sex life definetly lacking. mind you i went with the idea it was going to be sex everyday all the time. it was a holiday. i guess going to the bathhouse is like a mini-holiday for me and when i was going on a real holiday i expected it to be similar. i had a flirtation with a boy on the beach. a former proffesional soccer player from bahrain. he would wave and wink at me on the beach but i thought he was interested in someone else around me, not me. he did come over and talk to me though. took me fishing on the far side of diamond head. fish for his aquarium. asked me if i wanted to come back and see his aquarium. :) so there had been a couple days of build up. and all for naught i tell you. he had a great cock. dark, fat and long. he was very eager to get it in my ass. unfortunately, he did get it in and it felt great, i reached for the lube to stroke myself and he was done. i remembered him asking me about sex while we were on the beach. what are you into blah blah blah. when i asked him, he said he like guys to cum at the same time as him. i figure he must be dissapointed quite a bit. when i went back in 2001 he was still there, on the beach. recognized me instantly too. no booty calls that time though. he's since moved to los angeles so i won't be seeing him this time around. the only other sex i had that first time in hawaii was once at their bathhouse and once with a guy i picked up in the bar. the latter having the distinction of being the one of the lowest points of my sexual history. he was from las vegas and was in hawaii for work. i wish to add as some form of defense i was blotto. he was sharing a room with someone as was i so we couldn't go back to his room. my travelling companion gave me 30 minutes before he said he would be returning to the room. i got this guy back to the room and he wanted to talk. i was taking off my clothes and told him we were on a schedule. i was horny with only one goal in mind, getting off. turns out i wasn't clean. it's a fact of life with anal sex. when i top someone whose not clean i'm very diplomatic as i understand the possibilites. my trick however started announcing 'man your dirty'. over and over. fine. once is all i need. i was desperate to get off though. took him into the shower and we finished in there. really i should have just kicked him out then and there. let him go home with my shit on his dick. fortunatley, the second time i went i had no expectations of sex. perhaps because of that it was the exact opposite for me. i set personal records as far as sex goes that i still haven't been able to achieve. as hammy hamster would say though, that is another blog. 11:30 AM

Thursday, October 09, 2003 all week i've been twitchy. i'm sure it's all about the lead up to the full moon. i've been sleeping erratic hours and jumping on anything that moves. almost. i went to the bathhouse again last night. two nights in a row? really, though, i considered it community service. if i hadn't gone i probably would have ripped apart some hapless and unsuspecting homo in the darkness between street lights. dammit they should have let me in free. a short little aside, i have an aquaintence who believes if he goes to the bathhouse and dosen't get layed it frees him up to take something from the establishment. quite a towel collection he must have. everyone seemed randy last night and i had no shortage of suitors. upon entering i annoucenced that i could smell a dancer there. sure enough there was. he hasn't worked for awhile and i didn't recognize him. in fact i had to have him tell me where i knew him from. sex was tastygood but i kept holding out for the next one. a curse i tell you. at one point i had this delicious hairy bear. nice broad chest to play with while he fucked me. although it was a bit of an effort to get him to put a condom on. i could have been finished off with him but no i held out. then hairy brute with the fat cock and penchant for poppers was there again. 'i have poppers, i have poppers' is what i should have yelled at him the moment i saw him. alas. this boy keeps himself busy and i wasn't able to get him in my room for the life of me. it gets worse. as i'm waiting for him to notice me i'm turning down everyone else. everyone. even the cute twinky boy that earlier i had thought wouldn't be interested in me. here he is waiting outside my door and i tell him 'i'm ok'. talk about burning bridges. it got to be very late. the booze was wearing off. i wanted to sleep. damn. 1:25 PM

Wednesday, October 08, 2003 well, i guess it was another succesful visit to the bathhouse. in short sucession after arriving two latino tops came into my room. both of them aggressive. both shorter then me. both enjoyed themselves to completion. from there it was mostly down hill. an attractive 'moby' type came in the room. he had a coke can cock. the real thing. it wasn't too long, likely between 6 and 7 inches but so fat. it didn't seem natural. though he was hard, i didn't think it was hard enough to get into my ass. it would have been quite a bit of work. i had just bought large condoms though! he wasn't into anal sex and took that as an oppurtunity to leave. then the guy i had been checking out from the beginning of the 'shift' came in the room but didn't shut the door. i don't know what my problem was but i froze up. i couldn't ask him to shut the door, couldn't get hard as he started playing with me. he was there long enough for a bit of a crowd (ok 2 guys) to form outside my door. bah. he left and shortly after that i did too. i'm committed to getting someone to come here and fuck my ass this morning. 5:35 AM

Tuesday, October 07, 2003 dancers continued to drive me crazy. one to the point of distraction. a new dancer (of course), so cute (of course), looks a bit like he's from the south. or chris from northern exposure only younger (ya i know he's in sex in the city too). his first day he wore a bow tie. how obvious. still. there was certainly friction. he brought his own music. sure, that's nice if it's the slow songs otherwise. you know i can get a little fussy. still we found a happy medium. ended up smoking a joint with him. while i was working too! he also bought me a cocktail. then after each stage show he came into the booth to *un* tie-off, told me it would be his ritual and he'd like if i watched. !!! other dancers thought we didn't get along. me i don't know. so then yesterday i had big horny plans for myself. the usual. i was going to get laid on-line and if all else fails off to the bathhouse. i wake up and turn the computer on, flash comes to me that i had turned it off because it was frozen and i was sleepy. go about my business and wait what's this my computer is turning on. i have this timed to an art. computer, coffee, bathroom and return to waiting computer. by now a bit'o'coffee so i poured some out expecting the computer to be ready. no rebooting. the long and the short of it is i spent almost 18 hours yesterday fixing the dumb thing. no sex, and no masturbation. some poor sucker is going to feel my wrath today. 11:33 AM

Saturday, October 04, 2003 dancers were driving me crazy at work yesterday. they call me a dj but really i'm just a babysitter. they've all got egos that need to be stroked, especially if there aren't enough customers to go around. i've got to make sure each dancer is happy with his place in the schedule. well, not each one ;) some of them give me no respect and so recieve none from me. a newer one dissappeared last night. the manager told me he had gone to get something to eat but other dancers told me he had his bag with him. aargh. why is the dj the last to know? earlier he had been in the booth saying he was 'too high'. to me he looks like he's a constant stoner. sorta sexy in a let's lay around, fuck and smoke dope way. so i don't whether he left and came back or just left. he's a tipper, i'll forgive him. there's another dancer who insists on bringing me food instead of tipping me. i don't understand. 9 times out of 10 i'm not hungry and if he just gave me the money i could get what i want. for example, yesterday he bought me a gyro with tzatziki. great if you can handle dairy, a gassy treat if your lactose intolerant. he knows i am since he brought me pizza and i freaked. the pizza was just cruel as pizza used to be my main food group. anyway, dancer said i was worse then a bitch! me! that bitch went on last. 9:57 AM

Thursday, October 02, 2003 so yesterday i end up releasing the tension from the night before on my own. expertly i might add. i'd even say i went medieval on my ass. no need to be delicate with a dildoe. then i was spent. friend calls and says let's go out for a drink. whynot? we're out for drinks and then the suggestion is put forward to go to the bathhouse. i balked, i mean i was actually sore. still, not much convincing was needed. i was certain i wouldn't be able to get my dick hard and getting my ass fucked was right out of the realm of possibilties. sucking some cock is always nice. especially if you've said to yourself 'i'll just go and suck some cock'...no pressure. i just got a locker, why bother with a room if i'm just sucking? turns out a regular regular is there. we've played together for years now and oddly enough i don't know his name. he calls me sweetheart. it works. he absolutely worships my ass. what more do i need? problem is, is my ass clean? sure i cleaned a bit before using the dildoes but hey it was just me, i wasn't thorough. now i certainly don't recommend this activity and i would absolutely never ask anyone to do it but he loves to rim and will rim me after fucking me. in fact the whole idea of it grosses me out except that it feels so fucking great. it also dosen't hurt that as a general rule i'm a clean machine too. in fact he's made mention on a number of times how 'exceptionally clean' i am. which i always thinks dissappoints him. he can be quite the dirty talker. so tastygood. and he has in his dirty talk mentioned wanting to watch me shit. scat! blood, pain and shit, the three things practically no ones into, in that i mean they say 'into anything but...' those three. to clarify, i'm not into it either but i've entertained the idea of letting him watch me shit. big deal. in fact when he starts saying 'he's going to fuck the shit out of me' i'm always routing for him just a little. i must be such a disappoint though. however, on two occasions, and last night was one of them, i'm just not sure. i might not have been clean. he keeps me in a particular position. on my knees, with my knees together with my head and shoulders on the bed. him at the edge of bed, standing up, and wearing all his clothes. just like this other occasion i can't be sure whether i was clean or not. i just don't know. anywho, i left shortly after that completly satiated. ran into another regular on the street. one i haven't had sex with in awhile and who for me some of the fun has worn off. he's looking for booty and i have to beg off. literally. he had me pinned up against a fence at one point rubbing his cock into me and saying "c'mon". i was nervous and exhilarated at the same time. he backed off though. 12:22 AM