Sunday, March 27, 2005
your support has been amazing. thank you.
i'm certain carlos is quite mad with me right now. i've just been a mess of tears. he always said i was like a little girl when i cried and he wanted a man. friday night i went out and tried to get drunk. i was hoping blotto drunk. i started by washing a perc down with tequilla. after that i couldn't mix and stuck with drinking tequilla. it was my third bar that i realized i wasn't going to be able to drink more tequilla. at the fifth bar i knew i needed to get home.
i made the bed up for two. when i stayed with carlos we only had two pillows, i made a point of telling him it was luxury at my place with nine pillows to choose from. a 'funny' way to bring up that he should be with me. i expected to see him in my dreams. i'm not really phoebe loopy but i do think i've communicated with others through my dreams.
for your inspection: yesterday a friend reminded me that last week i had had a dream where carlos' roommate called me and kept saying 'muerto' over and over. i had blocked this out until yesterday when he said 'i kept thinking about your dream'...what dream? then it dawned on me in a bit of a haze, i was remembering the dream at the same time i was remembering her actually being on the phone with me, both of crying and her saying 'muerto'. i kept saying no.
further recollections: upon leaving puerto vallarta the last time, in air, i got the sense that i had made a mistake. not that i had forgotten something but i had made a mistake. it was until this morning i remembered, when i woke up. indeed i had made a mistake.
i should have been there. as soon as he went into the hospital i should have packed up and been down there. two weeks. i was going to go down again in two weeks. i thought he would be out of the hospital, it would be better if i was there when he was better.
i keep trying to force myself into the anger stage. i want to be mad at him. i understand there are stages of grief, i'm hoping that the anger phase is an advance. i'm also certain he will come to me in a dream. i want to be past the anger phase for that. i just want to be able to kiss him again. he was the greatest kisser. i've said it before, i'm not a big fan of kissing, but with him i was happy to just be kissing. he would kiss me, and then kiss my ear and say 'i love you i love you and i love you' and i would melt.
i woke up yesterday quite disappointed he hadn't come to me. i went out and bought myself what i hope is a kick ass digital video camera.
10:58 AM
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