Tuesday, March 29, 2005 at this point, early in the day, i'm thinking i'll attempt some gay sex this evening. i sucessfully masturbated yesterday. i'm still somewhat lost but i know carlos would be mad at me if i kept wallowing. the plan is to live for both of us now. i googled up communicating with the dead, came across a lot of different theories. in the end, i realize he is here with me now and forever. i'll fly with you - gigi d'agostino was our song. when i first met him it played in the bar and i told him i liked the song, which he found funny but after that the dj played it every night. it seemed appropriate to us. even more so when i listen to it now. pictures of you - the cure has also been in heavy rotation for me. all i have now is pictures of him. bright lights fading - slam featuring billie ray martin a tasty new song which has also been getting a lot of rotation. somehow it's made me feel better. i love the first line 'give me give me one more chance to spend my royalties on poor boys', honestly, how can you not love a song that starts out like that. do yourself a favour and seek it out. 10:36 AM (2) comments

Sunday, March 27, 2005 your support has been amazing. thank you. i'm certain carlos is quite mad with me right now. i've just been a mess of tears. he always said i was like a little girl when i cried and he wanted a man. friday night i went out and tried to get drunk. i was hoping blotto drunk. i started by washing a perc down with tequilla. after that i couldn't mix and stuck with drinking tequilla. it was my third bar that i realized i wasn't going to be able to drink more tequilla. at the fifth bar i knew i needed to get home. i made the bed up for two. when i stayed with carlos we only had two pillows, i made a point of telling him it was luxury at my place with nine pillows to choose from. a 'funny' way to bring up that he should be with me. i expected to see him in my dreams. i'm not really phoebe loopy but i do think i've communicated with others through my dreams. for your inspection: yesterday a friend reminded me that last week i had had a dream where carlos' roommate called me and kept saying 'muerto' over and over. i had blocked this out until yesterday when he said 'i kept thinking about your dream'...what dream? then it dawned on me in a bit of a haze, i was remembering the dream at the same time i was remembering her actually being on the phone with me, both of crying and her saying 'muerto'. i kept saying no. further recollections: upon leaving puerto vallarta the last time, in air, i got the sense that i had made a mistake. not that i had forgotten something but i had made a mistake. it was until this morning i remembered, when i woke up. indeed i had made a mistake. i should have been there. as soon as he went into the hospital i should have packed up and been down there. two weeks. i was going to go down again in two weeks. i thought he would be out of the hospital, it would be better if i was there when he was better. i keep trying to force myself into the anger stage. i want to be mad at him. i understand there are stages of grief, i'm hoping that the anger phase is an advance. i'm also certain he will come to me in a dream. i want to be past the anger phase for that. i just want to be able to kiss him again. he was the greatest kisser. i've said it before, i'm not a big fan of kissing, but with him i was happy to just be kissing. he would kiss me, and then kiss my ear and say 'i love you i love you and i love you' and i would melt. i woke up yesterday quite disappointed he hadn't come to me. i went out and bought myself what i hope is a kick ass digital video camera. 10:58 AM (1) comments

Friday, March 25, 2005 duncanandcarlosforever.JPG i've said when i first met carlos i knew he was the one. it's not necessarily true that at that point i 'knew' it but there was a sense of occasion. a heightened awareness. otherwise how would i be able to play out the event in my head. i was in paco paco, just off the dancefloor. a number of guys had caught my eye, carlos was indeed one of them, but i won't lie, i was on holidays, i was alone for the evening, it was a foreign land, i was on the prowl. carlos was a dancer, he was a small guy and had a spry dance, it would be hard to not notice him. it was my first time in the bar and i wanted to explore. i went up to the second floor bar. i was looking at the juke box (what's a dj supposed to do?)when he approached me and asked me for a cigeratte. i obliged. at first he talked to me in spanish and i didn't understand. he said 'you don't speak spanish' and i said no. told me the bartender at balcones said i spoke very good spanish. i had been at balcones prior to paco paco, it wasn't busy, in fact likely empty and i don't remember seeing carlos there. i laughed and told him some people had told me to say 'bastanta bien' when i was asked 'como estas'. perhaps that was why he thought i could speak spanish. he took me up to the rooftop, there were tables but we stood facing each other. we were alone. i'm sure we talked a bit before he kissed me but now i just remember him kissing me. i'm sure i didn't think to myself 'i love him' right at this point but now i can look back and say i did. well, so. a few weeks ago carlos was complaining about his stomach. an argument ensued between us and he finally told me yes he would being go to the doctor right now and signed out of our messenger program. i did not hear from him again for a week. you may remember my 'heartbroken' post. when i heard from him the doctor had diagnosed him with parasites. he told me he was taking the medication and feeling better. was going to be back at work in 4 days. in 4 days i called his roommamte because i hadn't heard from him again. i spoke to him and he didn't sound good at all. he thought it was the drugs, said he would stand up and feel drunk. he was going to the doctor again the next day. i told him i would call again in the evening. later i decided not to call and to wait to call the next day because he would have been to the doctor. i called and didn't get through. this week on monday i got through to his roommate. she told me he was in the hospital. call his cellphone the next day. i wasn't quite clear on the conversation, she speaks as much english as i do spanish. i called the next day, she answered and told me to call at 9pm. when i did there was now answer. wednesday no answer. thursday i speak to the roommate again. she gives me the number of a friend of carlos' who speaks english. he tells me he has pneumonia, he is sick but will be okay, likely in 2 weeks. today someone called to tell me he died. 8:53 PM (6) comments

Thursday, March 24, 2005 wildgeek: gay sex blog no longer. this is now the home of the cliff rhodes fan club. 'how do i join?' you ask, i'll tell you. you come over and fuck my ass while we watch cliff rhodes' movies (DVD supplied by you). what do you get for joining the cliff rhodes fan club? there's certainly the joy of being able to mull over cliff rhodes together but as well you can fuck my ass while we watch his DVDs. somewhat seriously though. it's an amusing story to me so perhaps not so seriously. i was checking out the preview for manplay 19 when i noticed cliff and thought he look quite familiar to me, in fact, i was quite certain it was billy from wet dreaming. i've had a online crush on him for so long. i've also been somewhat obsessed with a dildo he made of his cock. imagine. anyway, i emailed him to confirm my suspicions. i also elicited a deal where i get to be his underwear, note the latest picture of duncan (right, not an actual picture of me but a close facsilmille of what i would look like if i was his underwear). friends are always telling me about bloggers who get book deals, i've always said i wanted to be the first blogger to get a porn deal, unfortunately i've been beaten out. bah. i've always preferred sloppy seconds anyway. it's so much easier when someone else has already loosened it up for you. on an upnote to me, you'll note that cliff rhodes has entered porn at age 41, at 34 that leaves plenty of wiggle room for me. on a totally different subject, to be filed under too much information, i ran out of anti-perspirant a week ago and have been to cheap to replace it. 10:56 AM (0) comments

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 monday afternoon i crawl out of bed and begin a masturbation session to finish off sunday night. midway through my internet porn crawl steven signs in. now apart from the steven fingering my ass a couple weeks ago we haven't sex together this year. i'm mid-masturbation though. i ask him what he's doing, he tells me and asks what i'm doing. i tell him i'm watching porn, why dosen't he skip the nap he was planning before going to the gym and come over and let me play with his cock. 'u nasty' he says to me 'i'll be there in 20 minutes'. almost an hour later he arrives. had some german straight porn playing on the telly and some hardcore gay sex on compy (toys, fisting, piss). he went absolutely crazy over the dildo play, apparently he'd never seen any before. the pig on the screen was taking a really fat dildo and of course steven said 'he could do double penatration', and he could, as well as play a game of hide the salami with a huge real salami. steven hid his in me for a bit. in a break period he started talking more about dildos. i brought out one 'u is nasty' again but he seemed very intrigued. i had to tell him not to twist it and not to pull out so much. once i've got it in i want it to stay in. before i knew it he had all of it in me. i told him not to let go of it, he asked if it hurt. i'm rock hard, moaning and he wonders if it hurts? i tried to shove some of his hand in with it. he said 'you need a longer one' to which i told him i had a longer one. 'get it let me see how much you can take'. i swear i must have wet myself. little does he know i can take all of it, under the right circumstances. he guess it at 20" (it's 18" but i'm not going to correct his thinking at this point). at the half way point i stop him. 'you've got half of it in' he tells me. i told him to put his dick in me too. he was rock fucking hard, why not? 'what if it hurts you?' he says to me. yikes, of course it's going to hurt, no pain no gain. of course i always imagined i'd achieve this with the help of poppers but i was horny and the dildo was already in me. it took some squirming around and some more 'tell me if it hurts', next thing i know there's some of my cum on his shirt but not from an orgasm. i push him out. he says 'you did it' with a great big smile. try it again i tell him. i'm sure he got further in the second time. i pull the dildo out and tell him to fuck me. i grab his ass and try to get him to fuck me hard. eventually i said out loud 'fuck me like you hate me'. i've thought it so many times it was quite something to actually say it loud. it did the trick. afterwards he started raving about my ass. wanting to look at it and play with it. unfortunately i had 15 minutes to get to work at that point. i want more. 8:32 AM (1) comments

so my last post must have been some sort of purge. clearing the way for sex sex sex. sunday night i was off to the theater. a darker skinned asian guy that i've played with before was there. really fat cock. i came in and he was jerking his dick in his usual spot in front of the big screen. i remember half thinking to myself i was glad he was there. i did a quick walk through, stopped at a little cock for a minute, found myself in dark corner, sat down, and there was mr. big dick. he must have thought the same thing about me when he saw me. likely slightly different 'there goes that guy with accomodating fuck hole'. anyway, there we both were. i started playing with his dick through his pants. track pants of a sort but a thicker material. very sexy at the time. before long his dick was out and i was syphoning it. though i was seated, and he standing, he was also trying to suck on my dick. i stood up, our mutual cocksucking turned into kissing. this was a first as far as i recall. toothy. cocksucking had turned into mutual masturbation, with both of us wanting to play with his cock. the kissing was getting to me and so i turned my back to him. now just because i'm offering up my ass dosen't mean we are going to exclude the condom. i don't mind a little knocking at the back door sans condom but he was lubricating and not wrapping, not kosher. we were in an open area and had a few onlookers. i pulled up me pants and pulled on him to follow me. we went into a cubicle and i left him to lock up, he didn't. just as i got him wrapped up and he was about to enter me someone entered the room. had the gentleman out of the room, door locked and back into position in less then a minute. if i haven't made it clear prior, this guy has a fat cock. perhaps only an average length but such girth. getting him in takes quite a bit of groaning on my part. once that was accomplished i was backing up on him, he was shoving into me and my hole was singing. a couple times he announced he was going to cum but didn't. i would love nothing more then to get it from him in the missionary position but in the public fuck dens i'm not about to lay out on my back. anyway, he pulled out, pulled off the condom and we began pulling each other's dicks. he came all over my dick and i could have cum easily enough but instead i faked it. who know what other cock sizes were lurking about waiting to take a dip in me. unfortunatley, there weren't any and i made my way home. 8:10 AM (0) comments

Sunday, March 20, 2005 sex has almost always been a driving factor for me. i swear after i cum there is about 30 minutes where i'm not thinking about sex. the rest of the time i'm consumed with sex. so it's been awhile since i've had sex with another person. the oppurtunity presents itself, oh how it presents itself. last night a 'playmate' came over. we hadn't talked in a long while, out of the blue i had heard from him when i was in mexico. though i responded to him at the time i hadn't got a hold of him since returning. the last few times we had gotten together sex just wasn't there for me. he was the top that turned into a bottom. our get together was going along just fine, chitty chatty and then he started trying to kiss me and pressing his cock into me. seemed hard and hot. part of me wanted to have some old fashioned gay sex with him. the first time we met he was very forceful. i loved it. after that he became more and more passive. to the point where it was just me bouncing away on his cock. which continued on into the transition to whiny bottom. if you want to get fucked (oh and i do) learn to deal with the pain. learn to love and embrace it. i certainly did. the point of this story is he could likely have had his way with me, if he'd only tried harder. i think i've been watching to much straight porn, i want that whole 'get down on your knees and suck my cock bitch' spiel. really, though, the truth is i'm heartbroken. i want to be with carlos. i feel i've found my match. sure, i wonder if it's because a relationship between is so unattainable. i think perhaps i'm having a mid-life crisis. if i am though, having a crisis and if i am in love then i don't understand why i'm not just running away to mexico. it's done everyday isn't it? all that really holds me here is steady employment. really, that's the only reason i hold out. could i support myself in mexico? i'm sure eventually i'm going to shit or get off the pot. perhaps a high colonic is in order! 1:22 AM (1) comments

Thursday, March 17, 2005 the new moby - hotel is quite the tasty dish. in particular be sure to check out "spiders" moby's ode to ziggy stardust. ziggy "came on so loaded man, well hung and snow white tan". i came onto ziggy well after we left us. i was 14 in 1985 when i got ziggy stardust and the spiders from mars (you do the math). the cross branding here makes me wonder though. for all intents we're to believe moby and bowie are mates right? is moby's 'spiders' conditioning us for a return? is iran oceania or would that be north korea? 10:43 AM (0) comments

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 men in pain i would be lying to say it hasn't interested me. the first time i saw a 'bisexual film' a guy got fucked by a woman with a strap-on, i found it a bit 'queer'. i also find it 'queer' that this site equates men in pain with men getting fucked up the ass. hi hi this dosen't hurt anywho, somewhere along the line i found the idea of a woman fucking me less queer. hey somewhere along the line i found rubber cock substitutes accepetable. i also remember reading a story about a lesbian raping a gay male cop. it was some sort of lesbian erotica collection and most of it wasn't for me but this one tale stuck out. fuck me like you hate me. :) down in the park if you like 11:30 AM (1) comments

Friday, March 11, 2005 if everythings ready on the dark side of the moon play the five tones testonethestrokes.AVI testtworesults.AVI 3:14 AM (5) comments

Wednesday, March 09, 2005 frankie say annihilation. fuck me. it looks like i'm going to have to finger a way to make a MOV into a MPG. which is fine. google me this i imagine. i'm doing a cleansing of the apartment practically from top to bottom. i'm getting rid of the spectre of asshole and protecting it from future ghosts. i've been told ghosts don't like mirrors and as if there weren't enough mirror in this apartment, 8, i've hung another one bringing it to 9. 9 is a good number right? in the back of my head i'm preparing for a fuck fest. steven will do a double penatration with me whenever i want i'm sure. i told him about my new's year eve gang bang and he was terribly jealous. he began suggesting plans for a sex party here. now the other invitees will be curious. if any member of the family should die whilst in the shelter put them outside but remember to tag them first for indentifaction purposes. 1:57 PM (0) comments

free gay porn! or, more like a advert for free gay porn. i was a little bit o'horny today and decided to film myself getting off. now, it seems the camera produces MOVs even though it says in the instructions MPG, i thought i'd get a chance to edit (and possibly score he he) the video but alas my editing program dosen't like MOVs. furthermore, i tried uploading them and blogger dosen't seem to want to allow it. well, and that's wrong too. it starts to upload the files but it takes forever and then i get the ol'internet explorer 'can't display the page' page. so listen, i've got some dirty home made movies but it may take a bit for me to figure out how to get them out there. as a dull contrast to the sexy bits: i got rid of two bags of junk from the former roommate today. for the first time in 3 months i've had sufficient hot water. for the last while hot water only lasted long enough to soap and rinse off, my hair got 'did' in the sink prior to the shower. it was delicious staying in as long as i wanted. i'm turning into american psycho what with the armani suit pictures and now an out and out plug for "jojoba glo" from opi, at the bottom of the page. may i just say, the fabulous, fresh scent they claim for the product truly is just that. love it! 1:34 AM (1) comments

Monday, March 07, 2005 hey now fun! 9:45 PM (0) comments

Saturday, March 05, 2005 gay sex in drag last night! you heard me right, i went to the theater in drag last night, but perhaps not the drag your thinking. sometime i after midnight i got a little bored and decided to get dressed up. put on an armani shirt, an armani tie and an armani suit slipped into my harley davidson boots, before i knew it i was off to the theater. i hope i don't sound conceited when i say that i can normally turn a few heads when i walk through the theater last night however i seemed to be turning every single one. in no time i was sucking on a delightful cock and had someone humping on my ass from behind. kept trying to make it clear to this unknown assailant from behind i wasn't dropping my drawers. of course these guys who will approach and begin humping a guy without any 'okay' aren't going to stop from a few simple brush offs. ended up extracting myself from what started as me sucking one cock to what was clearly a mass huddle. a 'thuggy' latino type was showing up where ever i was at. unfortunatley for him he didn't want to make the 'move'. watched me suck off a couple. then one half of the couple tried to suck me off. i had decided i wasn't taking pants off until i was sure i was getting fucked. one half of the couple wasn't do a thing for me and since he was the one going for my cock i again disembarked. in front of a glory hole a cock was being revealed to me when a guy i had noticed walked by and stopped. mid-cruise on the cock at the glory hole i directed my attention toward the second fellow. late 30's, thick build, goatee and the way he was carrying his coat around on his arm really endeared me to him. we slipped into a cubicle and he had his cock out before the door was even closed behind us. it wasn't hard at all but seemed like it was going to grow into a nice one. i just love feeling a dick get hard in my mouth and he didn't disappoint, though not quite fully erect when he went for my cock. assplay too! before i knew it he had his tongue buried in my ass. when he stood up he was rock hard and i was able to slip a condom on him without haste. i remember thinking while he fucked me 'i could get used to this'. i was close to cumming and turned myself around, put my arm around his shoulder and buried my face in his neck. was hoping for a little tongue but i went for the neck instead, fearing rejection. shoved my dick up against him and shot my load on him. i then went down to lick my mess off of him and he came on me. picking up the armani clothes off the theater floor was a caution. was worried about cumstains from strangers i hadn't had sex with but it was fine. sure, it's not a great picture, you can't even clearly make me out but it is the first time i've posted a pic of me. i promise i'll take it down by the next post.armani.JPG 11:34 PM (3) comments

Wednesday, March 02, 2005 gay sex is not the only thing i've been leaving out of my life. masturbation time (sometimes not just a daily but a lasting all day thing) has also been missing. sunday carlos and i spoke on the phone briefly. monday was his day off so we made a date for internet chat. he never showed. i've been an emotional wreck since. two friends have come over and must instantly picked up on the fact that we weren't going to be playing. one suggested we have a nap together. steven being the other one tried to take me to a movie. instead we cuddled and watched absolutely fabulous. can you imagine he'd never heard of it. he fell asleep, it was late for him, and it felt good to have someone sleep next to me. 2:24 PM (2) comments