Thursday, March 23, 2006
i have totally lost my focus and can no longer be held accountable for my actions. normally at best i'm a social drinker, the last month i would say i have had alcohol 5 out of the 7 days in a week. i have bought cigerattes twice in a day now for two weeks. i've joined a gym (for years i've boasted that i'd never set foot in a gym). not only am i drinking soy shakes (lactose sweety) i'm also taking fat burners.
"look what we've got in here, we'll bless you with more"
i realize now that i'm obessed. i delude myself by thinking it's *love*. i see the temptation for what it is but still allow myself to be tempted. still, i console myself thinking it must be love, it must be true otherwise why would i still feel this way?
on the exorcism front: i was caught and caught today. i mentioned to the roommate that as a part of the exorcism a plant that *he* had brought was going to have to go. up until this point i had masqueraded the exorcism as 'spring cleaning', though yes, we both knew that really i was trying to get rid of all evidence of *him*. he dosen't want the plant to go and said "what about under there?" pointing to my bed. i said "there's nothing under there" and he said "just look". as i went to the bed to pull out the card *he* had given me for my birthday, the one that said "for my husband", the same one that had duncan written next to husband on it, i asked him "how do you know about this?". how did he know about it, why would he have been under my bed? when i pulled it out he said "what's that?" and i wasn't sure what was going on. one of *his* hats was also there in a more prominent place that i just hadn't noticed, now i have to get rid of the hat and the card and you all get a clear picture of under my bed i think.
12:54 AM
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