Saturday, March 18, 2006
yes, using my ass as a play pen is just the sort of distraction i need.
friends coerce me into going to a disco last night. charming. i drink tequilla (after having waited in line to get in and to check my coat i wasn't about to wait to drain the bladder). someone from work is there, with his boyfriend (whom i'd rather not shoot the shit with) and so i do the requisite 'hello' and walk away. he comes after me and asks if i've seen *hole*, no i haven't and the look on my face must have said it all. i'm told he's a mess, a mess, crying in a corner. it's not really what i need to hear and get away.
prior to going out my roommate asked me "do you want to know?" and i say what knowing it must have to do with *hole*. they had run into each other last night and apparently he blathered on about missing me. i reiterated that it was over, and spoke honestly about him. i was feeling wretched this week but hearing crap like that just reinforced the idea that i'm better then this.
so i've done all this waiting to get a drink, i'm going to enjoy it. so then in the throngs of men i see *hole* and quickly move myself to another area. then he walks in front of me, i could reach out and say hi but don't. once he's cleared me he turns around and walks in front of me again. having dropped out of high school i'm not sure how to play the game. i end up with friends, carefree, when one taps and motions me to look behind me, all smiles i do and the *hole* smiles back at me, i mouth hi and turn back to nothing. tequilla, tequilla and me yelling out "where's the dealer?".
eventually i can do nothing but go over and talk to him. immediately he says "we're friends aren't we, and you can't even say hi?" to which i can honestly say "i did say hi" and not have to worry about the friend question. he begins to rattle on. i listen but only half aware. then the physical starts, saying something in my ear, pressed up against here. i hold back but eventually i am hugging him, it feels warm and very much like picking a scab. he says "i love you, i do love you BUT i can't hurt you". i want to smash his head against the wall, show him what hurt really is, instead i gather myself up and say "i'm leaving". i consider looking for friends but figure if i want to get out of there in a huff i best wait in line for my coat.
who can figure out what happens next? yes, he's in the line and yes i have a joint we can smoke. yes i can go back to his place too. this is the first time i go to his new place. a boarding house of sorts. in his room i marvel at what a mess it is. anyone who knows me knows i should not be casting aspersions in that direction and yet... the premise of me going back was so we could watch something. there on the tv is a bloated morrissey, gosh time hasn't treated him well and i hum to myself "take me out tonight because i want to bla bla bla".
i care less and less. i wonder why these faults of his don't turn me off more. in the process of getting to his room he screamed at one guy and then slammed the door in the face of another. i try to tell him this isn't the way to operate and he tells me "i don't know". i tell him i'm ready to leave (after having offered me the dreaded cow milk twice) and he convinces me to stay. cigeratte ahses everywhere, empty liquor bottles on all available spaces. i look at the time and think i could still make it to the theater. he accidentaly breaks a shot glass and i say it's time for me to go. "if i didn't break it someone else would have".
the theater is dead and my head is not in the right mind space. i sit alone in the dark and mull events.
tonight i'm supposed to *hoop* some e with a friend. he'd questioned me about doing it, advice wise (yes i'm the martha stewart of the debauched set) and i said it was a great idea. not that i've hooped e, however, i have hooped booze and so that makes me an authority in some way. if it has to do with ass i must be the man anyway. taking e right now is probably the last thing i should do. the bender continues...
7:40 AM
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