Sunday, March 26, 2006 so at the moment matt and i have plans for later this evening, and really the only plans are chemicals. he asked me what i was doing and did i want to do this. sunday night, we do chemical we are sort of locked in i think. i mean there isn't much to do but each other. i don't know why i commit though, i know it's not going to happen, but there i am lapping it up, like some dumb stray. toxic toxic toxic. haven't i performed an exorcism? right, i didn't burn sage. i feel like i should just leave and doing something else on my own accord but i'm hooked. 11:47 PM

so i got a call 7 am this morning. after having called mexico i was expecting a return call and this would be the right time. oddly i looked at the number and knew it was matt, even though it wasn't his number and still i answered. he had fallen asleep. bla bla bla, he gabbed for 8 minutes (the phone told me when i hung up), i was still half asleep. i sent him a text message saying i wanted to talk with him but not on the phone. i mean, i have wanted to talk with him, closure i guess. right and the other half of me that wants to try again. he called and woke me back up at 11am. was it me who sent the text? ya. then more chit chat and then "i could come up now". sure, sure. now however i'm not feeling this confab. i mean i have practiced out in my head what i want to say but it wasn't about to roll off my tongue just then. then the dreaded and he asked me what it was i wanted to talk about, with a big grin. i just said "now isn't the time either". like it isn't written all over my face. i was also incredibly horny and wanted to fuck him right then and there. poppers were handy, i'm sure i just start waving them under his nose and in no time i could be throwing it into him. instead he leaves, i watch an episode of 'desperate housewives' and then have a dash of the old internet porn. i still hadn't gotten off from friday evening... 4:32 PM (3) comments

Saturday, March 25, 2006 one year today. so i was going to do something to mark the occasion. at first i thought i would buy an extravagantly large amount of coke. last week's planned hooping of the 'e' was really just the same thing, sure, one week in advance. the day has loomed in my head for awhile now. what actually transpired just goes to show me... of course, the day was wrought with crying jags. my morning piss being the start of the first one. returning videos i cried walking on the street. then i decided i would invite people over, i'd buy a roast of some description (lamb was my first thought)[proof that if i was a desperate housewife i'd be bree] and just enjoy the company. the butcher was packed. instead i did an extended gym session. i got home exhausted and passed out. later i got a call asking if i could go into work. it seemed too perfect, i was worried that i would spend the night wallowing, work seemed just fine. nearing the end of my shift i got a call from matt (hole, ditchpig, bottom dweller). we made plans to meet up after my shift. made a little difficult as his actual phone is out of credit. fine fine, we worked it out. after work i rushed home and got ready to meet him. the roommate made some guesses as to where i was going. the theater, the sauna and then "no your not". i started to get disapproving comments and i said "imagine: i don't want to sleep alone tonight". time ticked by though, and he didn't show. i decided to walk towards him. still no sign. i got to his place and wondered what i was doing. i took a cab home. then i called the home of carlos. fortunately the roommate was awake and translated for me. seems a couple months ago carlos' diary was found. lots of good things about me. also, and i knew this previously, there's something down there he wanted me to have. it can be only one of two things, my hat, which went missing under peculiar circumstances or the necklace he wore that i wanted him to give me as a ring. or at least that's what i think it could be. i had also left him a copy of demian by vonnegut (do i have that right?) which i didn't know would turn out to be so appropriate. life is too short. more sex please. 6:30 PM (2) comments

Thursday, March 23, 2006 i have totally lost my focus and can no longer be held accountable for my actions. normally at best i'm a social drinker, the last month i would say i have had alcohol 5 out of the 7 days in a week. i have bought cigerattes twice in a day now for two weeks. i've joined a gym (for years i've boasted that i'd never set foot in a gym). not only am i drinking soy shakes (lactose sweety) i'm also taking fat burners. "look what we've got in here, we'll bless you with more" i realize now that i'm obessed. i delude myself by thinking it's *love*. i see the temptation for what it is but still allow myself to be tempted. still, i console myself thinking it must be love, it must be true otherwise why would i still feel this way? on the exorcism front: i was caught and caught today. i mentioned to the roommate that as a part of the exorcism a plant that *he* had brought was going to have to go. up until this point i had masqueraded the exorcism as 'spring cleaning', though yes, we both knew that really i was trying to get rid of all evidence of *him*. he dosen't want the plant to go and said "what about under there?" pointing to my bed. i said "there's nothing under there" and he said "just look". as i went to the bed to pull out the card *he* had given me for my birthday, the one that said "for my husband", the same one that had duncan written next to husband on it, i asked him "how do you know about this?". how did he know about it, why would he have been under my bed? when i pulled it out he said "what's that?" and i wasn't sure what was going on. one of *his* hats was also there in a more prominent place that i just hadn't noticed, now i have to get rid of the hat and the card and you all get a clear picture of under my bed i think. 12:54 AM (2) comments

Monday, March 20, 2006 right, so the whole hooping e. didn't happen. drugs just did not seem to be had. spent some time at the disco, peculiar. i ditched it for the theater, of course. i did of the last remains of some goop so i decided saturday night was an appropriate time for it. this was the last i had from some good stuff i had gotten in the summer, sorta tucked away and forgotten. if i only i could find those 2 marvellous e's that are awol. sex. it seemed to be everywhere. a gentleman siddled up to the glory hole i just happened to be stopped in front of and pulled out what looked quite large. larger then should be expected it turned out to be. length it was likely 8 inches but by the time you got to the base of it his cock felt like a fist. it had a definite penchant for pointing down as well. my ass quivered the whole time i had him in my mouth. as for charity work, there's this crazy old lady who always operates at this certain section of glory hole. i've helped her out of the theater at closing on occasion. reminds me of a neighbour from when i was growing up, except the neighbour really was a little old lady. anywhose, i let her stroke my crotch, over not under the denim while i sucked on monster cock. usually i can be quite rough about stopping unwanted groping and to be quite honest i guess she just followed the proper rules of etiquette. approaching slowly, slipping in unannounced. i don't know. mind you i only allowed a bit, someone else came along and took this tender moment at a glory hole as a free for all. i cleared out but not first before finding out what the cock was attatched to. uncle fester. an attractive uncle fester i should say but uncle fester just the same and the original series fester. he was that so ugly it was attractive kinda thing. what am i saying? it was the cock pure and simple. so twice after that another chap got a bit o booty from me because i mistook him for fester. imagine, two festers in the same place. goop sure is wonderful. after the second time of being duped (he had practically no dick and didn't get hard) i accidentaly bump into the real fester, after i'd given up on finding him. i knew it was him because as soon as i realized who he was he was realizing who i was and shoved me to his cock. now that we didn't have a wall between he became more aggressive (not that the wall had really slowed him down before). oh i'm leaving out that i had also gotten fucked by a regular so was pre-lubed and open as it were. so yes i gagged that thing down for as long as i could and then got off my knees and sorta play sucked it as i tried to introduce my ass into the equation. another chap came along and took over the sucking. fester began stroking my dick, which was rock hard, which is unusual after having sucked on his cock for that amount of time. the cock stroking went on and my ass was starting to wonder what was happening. it was around this time i started playing with his cock and balls while other chap sucked him, there was that much of everything down there. bent over ever so slightly and still no ass play. it was then that he grabbed my cock and put it to his ass. at first i was turned on and did some old frottage down there but really i wasn't going to top to him. his appeal was entirely in stretching out my hole. i walked away. after that i knew it could only go down hill. i decided to go home and try the internet for some action. on the way *hole* calls me, sounds upset, i ask why, he's been trapped inside all day. asks why i sound so weird, i mention the goopiness. asks if i have any to share. i meet him at his place and we walk to mine. on the phone there had been definite sex talk on his part. i had been busy during the day *exorcising* him from the apartment. mind you really only the bathroom got finished. cleaned from top to bottom. on the walk over the conversation got tuned out at one point. he had been talking about sluts he knew and something about how he can only do such and such with a boyfriend. "sorry if you can't commit". and i thought but wait, you couldn't commit to me. by the time he got here i knew i wasn't going to have sex with him. while we were talking he said "i'm sorry i don't normally do this but i have to take a shit" and my last blog entry followed that. some thing clicked in me when i realized that the only room that had been fully exorcised of him was the room that he had to use. instead of asking him to leave, which is what i should have done, i said i had to go to bed. part of me hoping that he would lay down with me. instead he asked for his pillow back. after he left i cried and the tears felt electric from the goop. sunday was a depressive write off. today i started back on the exorcism, i mean really it's just spring cleaning but it's doubling as an exorcism. i also officially became a member of a gym today. the exorcism continues... 9:24 PM (5) comments

Sunday, March 19, 2006 if i were to just take a crow bar and bang it against my skull i would achieve the same effect as what i'm doing now. *hole* is here and in the bathroom. i keep saying 'hate fuck him' in my head but i don't think i can. i think instead i'm going to ask him to leave. 5:07 AM (4) comments

Saturday, March 18, 2006 yes, using my ass as a play pen is just the sort of distraction i need. friends coerce me into going to a disco last night. charming. i drink tequilla (after having waited in line to get in and to check my coat i wasn't about to wait to drain the bladder). someone from work is there, with his boyfriend (whom i'd rather not shoot the shit with) and so i do the requisite 'hello' and walk away. he comes after me and asks if i've seen *hole*, no i haven't and the look on my face must have said it all. i'm told he's a mess, a mess, crying in a corner. it's not really what i need to hear and get away. prior to going out my roommate asked me "do you want to know?" and i say what knowing it must have to do with *hole*. they had run into each other last night and apparently he blathered on about missing me. i reiterated that it was over, and spoke honestly about him. i was feeling wretched this week but hearing crap like that just reinforced the idea that i'm better then this. so i've done all this waiting to get a drink, i'm going to enjoy it. so then in the throngs of men i see *hole* and quickly move myself to another area. then he walks in front of me, i could reach out and say hi but don't. once he's cleared me he turns around and walks in front of me again. having dropped out of high school i'm not sure how to play the game. i end up with friends, carefree, when one taps and motions me to look behind me, all smiles i do and the *hole* smiles back at me, i mouth hi and turn back to nothing. tequilla, tequilla and me yelling out "where's the dealer?". eventually i can do nothing but go over and talk to him. immediately he says "we're friends aren't we, and you can't even say hi?" to which i can honestly say "i did say hi" and not have to worry about the friend question. he begins to rattle on. i listen but only half aware. then the physical starts, saying something in my ear, pressed up against here. i hold back but eventually i am hugging him, it feels warm and very much like picking a scab. he says "i love you, i do love you BUT i can't hurt you". i want to smash his head against the wall, show him what hurt really is, instead i gather myself up and say "i'm leaving". i consider looking for friends but figure if i want to get out of there in a huff i best wait in line for my coat. who can figure out what happens next? yes, he's in the line and yes i have a joint we can smoke. yes i can go back to his place too. this is the first time i go to his new place. a boarding house of sorts. in his room i marvel at what a mess it is. anyone who knows me knows i should not be casting aspersions in that direction and yet... the premise of me going back was so we could watch something. there on the tv is a bloated morrissey, gosh time hasn't treated him well and i hum to myself "take me out tonight because i want to bla bla bla". i care less and less. i wonder why these faults of his don't turn me off more. in the process of getting to his room he screamed at one guy and then slammed the door in the face of another. i try to tell him this isn't the way to operate and he tells me "i don't know". i tell him i'm ready to leave (after having offered me the dreaded cow milk twice) and he convinces me to stay. cigeratte ahses everywhere, empty liquor bottles on all available spaces. i look at the time and think i could still make it to the theater. he accidentaly breaks a shot glass and i say it's time for me to go. "if i didn't break it someone else would have". the theater is dead and my head is not in the right mind space. i sit alone in the dark and mull events. tonight i'm supposed to *hoop* some e with a friend. he'd questioned me about doing it, advice wise (yes i'm the martha stewart of the debauched set) and i said it was a great idea. not that i've hooped e, however, i have hooped booze and so that makes me an authority in some way. if it has to do with ass i must be the man anyway. taking e right now is probably the last thing i should do. the bender continues... 7:40 AM (0) comments

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 i don't know. i think perhaps i do not know my ass from my elbow. i spend time with *hole* again this evening. he asks if he can come over and again i want to just be able to say no but the masochist in me says "yes". while he's here again i have to avert looking him in the eye. i drift off while he prattles on and wonder why i've allowed him to come over. wonder because i know in fact i say yes because i hope for some sort of reconciliation. he says "is there anything you want to talk about" and i steel myself. i want to say i miss him. i want to say i hate him. that i wish i'd never met him. it's all the things i think. i want to know why i'm so stupid. bree vanderkamp mentioned on the weekend the opposite of love is indifference not hate. i want to be indifferent. of course, i answer "no". he rambles on a bit more and then says he should go and i jump up with an "ok" and am half way to the door showing him out before he's finished the sentence. he ask me if i even want him to come over because i never ask him. i snip back that he only comes when it's convenient for him. what exactly does that mean i wonder only seconds after saying it loud. i call him seconds after he leaves and say "yes i do want you to come here". a bottom! bottoms are a dime a dozen aren't they? 3:49 AM (4) comments

Monday, March 13, 2006 the mexican soap opera continues. right so, drunken blur of sex on the weekend, followed by personal abuse. matt comes over for a coffee today, i act aloof, it's the only way i can suffer through it. i want to say no when he asks if he can come over, hell i don't want to return his call but i do. i'm not able to look him in the eye. he tells me how he met a psychic on the weekend who was very accurate. "he's made a mistake and left something good." and he needs a psychic to tell him this. i don't take the bait, i can't. i want to, i want to hold him. then he brings up what another friend told him "boyfriends come and go, fuck buddies are forever" and i wake up. i'm not interested in fucking him though. i just wouldn't be able to. i mean, i want to, of course, but i'll want to kiss him and he'll want to turn away from that. then again, i think i could hate fuck him nasty in time. i actually sort of look forward to it, today wasn't the day for it though. when i hate fuck him (and let me stress that *hate fuck*) he'll ask outright for it. after he leaves i get myself off again. unfortunately the image that gets me off is remebering him fucking me on my stomach watching in the mirror in front of us. i blame brokeback mountain even more. ang lee is the curse of my sex life. 6:27 PM (4) comments

Sunday, March 12, 2006 more alcohol induced debauchery last night. i started drinking early evening with the roommate, a blend of strawberries, vodka, tequila and soho. two of these and we both had a disco nap. friends came over, beer was consumed and before i knew it we were off to a local latin bar. i have never seen so many tattoos on necks in one place! i must have fallen in love a dozen times over. roommate starts announcing "let's go to the sauna". yes yes let's. i end up at the theater. of course not before calling matt in a drunken blur. at least i didn't curse this time until after i hung up the phone. so there i am, stinking drunk in an orgy of horny men. the first guy was a rough and tumble number but not much of a cock. still, he wanted to put it in my ass and i bounced back on him real tasty like. got him off and i showered. the shower perhaps sobered me up a little. directly after that this guy came at me again but i was *clean* and ready for something new. i found it at a glory hole. one of them there coke can cocks. which i gobbled with abandon. i ended up tossing the berries. which of course i held in my mouth until i could get to a sink. a gentleman who was watching said "uh oh" when he saw my chipmunk cheeks of vomit and i wanted to spew it on him. so i go rinse and swear i feel a world better. i head back to the same glory hole and start up again. the hands at my crotch are driving me crazy, i say to one guy "if i wanted my cock sucked i'd be on the other side, wouldn't i?". i go to the other side not to get my cock sucked but to have this cock all to myself. his legs are huge and i hug them while i suck his cock. i take his load in my mouth and it's quite tasty but i don't swallow. i have the route to the sink mapped out and i spit it down the sink. while i'm admiring his load against the stainless steel (it was a biggun) this little wisp of twink saddles up to me. in no time i'm grabbing at his ass and he's pulling me out of the bathroom. first we do a little show in a public area before he's pulling me off to a cubicle. once there i fuck him rough. i cum when i have his face shoved into the corner. he takes the condom off and sucks the rest of my cum out. he lingers around me as i prepare to head home, i think i could likely fuck him again but worry about waking up and having to have conversation... 12:35 PM (0) comments

Saturday, March 11, 2006 so ya, the last month has been devoid of sex tales, as i was busy *making love*. it's sickening even typing it. what follows will be even worse. today i did toss off and tonight i did go to the theater. of course on my way who should i run into? i didn't stop and talk to him but waved, then felt bad so called him 30 seconds after having walked past him. no answer. he calls me 5 minutes later, while i'm in the theater. "returning your call" he says and i say "i wasn't going to stop and chat while you were with someone". someone being what i presume was a customer. it wasn't. he tells me to call him later. i haven't. right after hanging up a cock presents itself to me. i suck on it. all of a sudden he becomes shy about me sucking on him in public and tries to pull me away. i don't move. he comes back and i suck him again. he shoves it at the back of my throat but isn't really big enough to deep throat. he walks away again, as do i, noticing the crowd formed real fast. he ends up following me and though we are still in a public area it is a *dark room*. i get down on my knees and suck again, noting that though it isn't large it is rock solid hard. someone comes down to my level and starts playing with my ass. i stop him (not thinking clearly i guess) and he stands up, i check him out (in the dark) and note his cock is out. i start playing it while sucking on the first one. then i decide it's a better cock and make the switch. he says "let's go somewhere else" and we end up behind a locked door. he fucks me tasty. he's short and so it seems easier for us to stand face to face and me take it up the ass. before i know it i'm telling him "harder" and he listens. unfortunately he also starts to say "i'm close". now i could easily have cum in another minute but i wasn't ready just at that point. next the butt ugly gentleman with the 14 inch cock approaches me. i want him to fuck me. real bad like, especially as i grab at his member, i know however he's not a fan of the condom. i can't do it. oddly enough i think of matt at this point. i still try to fool around but can't succesfully. perhaps the first fuck had wore off the slight buzz i had from beer and tequilla (lord i need me a chemical dealer). i end up coming home, my excuse to myself being this way i can get up early and do extra gym time tommorow, not hoping that matt calls. if you get the chance check out chicane with tom jones - stoned in love. "i'm stoned in love but not with you" loser plays it in his head quite a bit at the moment... 4:02 AM (0) comments

Friday, March 10, 2006 but he did look good in the nude, he did. i am dusting myself off though. not with sex yet but everyday i think "maybe today is the day". wednesday i had some quality time with ben the dildo. the first time likely in a month. poor thing, he missed me. i didn't get off though and haven't since then so i'm sitting on a massive cumshot. i'll likely waste it tossing off before going out for some of the old in and out. not sure if i mentioned joining a gym, which i have, and kept up with. last night i discovered i have triceps! making the pain worth the gain. 12:10 PM (3) comments

Thursday, March 09, 2006 much to my chagrin it seems i am single again. 8:22 PM (4) comments

Sunday, March 05, 2006 wildgeek gay sex blog or mexican soap opera? so yes, i've been seeing this guy, matt, and we seem to spend a lot of time together. never on saturday night though, something else always seems to come up for him. last weekend it was a friend with coke. when he called me on sunday afternoon he had just taken some e, in the afternoon, alone. so bla bla bla, a week passes where we spend all our available time together. thursday evening we had coked up sex as well. saturday comes around and his friend from last weekend is in town. i write the evening off, knowing we won't get together. the roommate and i start drinking fairly early. have i mentioned the roommate got me to join a gym this week? i've been 4 times in 5 days, basically just doing cardio but yesterday did a bit of weight training. apparently you join a gym and they ask 'what are your fitness goals?', i answered "porn". back to the story at hand though. so roommate and i are drinking, his friend is coming over when my landlord calls and asks if "we" can come up. i ask who the we is and it's a chap i've met through him before. landlord doesn't have pot but brings beer, all of a sudden it's a party. we all head out, for more drinking. i haven't been to a *disco* in ages. music sucked. SUCKED! i go out to a gay bar, i want to hear up to date tunes, not george michael from ten years ago mixed with black eyed peas from who cares. i'm surprised at just how many people i know there. bla bla bla. landlord's friend grabs my ass. he's cute, blonde, short but quite a tight body suggested. i think nothing of it. until later, when we're making out and he tells me how much he wants to fuck my ass. what? clearly i'm drunk. we continue to make out with him grabbing my ass and muttering about fucking me. so right, the landlord, matt is currently renting a room from him, so and the ass grabber, i'm quite certain the landlord wants a piece of that there. here i am, making out with what he wants and sure matt is my *boyfriend* but where is he? have i mentioned he won't touch my ass? does not touch my ass! sure, he's fucked it but touch it? now i've got this hot little number grabbing my ass and telling me how much he's wanted to fuck me. i run to the bathroom and in a drunken state call matt. he's somewhere with his friend and i hang up on him. roommate and his mate pull me off to another bar. they don't let me in. we go for pizza. i wake up this morning still drunk. blog. worry about work this afternoon. what's matt going to say, i'm sure if nothing else he'll know i wasn't alone last night... 10:52 AM (0) comments